gsp Thoughts From A Diva: 5/23/04 - 5/30/04

Thoughts From A Diva

Random images and thoughts from a misplaced Minnesota Diva trying to survive in Wisconsin.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Never Forget...

Never Forget Posted by Hello

Captain Condom To The Rescue...

STOCKHOLM - Amorous couples in quick need of protection can dial the telephone number 696969 and the condom ambulance will come to their rescue. The ambulance, a white van with a large red condom with wings as a logo, will deliver them a packet of 10 prophylactics.

"We need to increase the usage of condoms," said Carl Osvald, marketing manager for the Swedish Organization for Sex Education, the non-governmental organization behind the initiative. "It is 50 percent about pregnancy and 50 percent about sexually transmitted diseases."

The service will run until June 25 and is available between four in the afternoon and nine at night. "We need to change attitudes to condoms," Osvald said. "If we need to get out in to the bedrooms to make things better we will do it."

Memorial Day History

Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on May 5, 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery.

The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war).

Friday, May 28, 2004

Mmmmmm...Liam.... Posted by Hello

Kilts For Men

This is a cool site about Kilts for men.
I think all men should wear kilts.  I love men's legs.  Yummy!
This is an official request for all male readers to send me a pic of yourself in a kilt.
Yes, I will post them (now that I know how!).


This is a test.

I need a maid...

Anyone want to do the dishes for me? And clean my kicthen?

I sure as hell don't want to. I hate cleaning. I am not domesticated at all. Until I lost my job a few months ago, Asshole did all that stuff. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, etc.

Now, I have to do it. I absolutely despise cooking and cleaning.



Several days ago, Buttboy came to me and asked who had been in his room. I calmly explained there hadn't been anyone in his room. I then asked him why he thought there was someone in his room.

He said someone had logged on to his computer and used Yahoo and MSN. It had strange names on it.

I decided after the 2nd time this happened, that he was being hacked. So I installed some new anti-virus and firewall software.

Case solved, right? Maybe.

Yesterday, I was in the shower. Home alone. I thought I heard someone knocking on the front door, but I ignored it. Then I thought I heard noises in the house. I attributed it to the cats.

Before my shower, I had been watching some stupid show on tv. When I got out of the shower, the tv was set on dvd. The only way to switch it over to dvd is to actually push the button on the tv. You cannot change it to dvd via the remote.

So, I think someone was in my house. And I think that someone was the one who played on Buttboy's computer.

Am I freaked? A little. More pissed than anything. I am not a tiny woman. Someone comes into my house uninvited, they are going to meet an oak rolling pin very quickly.

I'll be able to work out a little of the aggression that has been dogging me lately.

Oh, and we have started locking all the doors and windows when we leave now. We haven't done that in years.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Pentecostal Pirates


What's under those kilts?

Billy over at Wet Dreaming has answered an age old question.

Gotta love those Scots!


My sidebar is stil there, it is just all the way at the bottom of the screen.

Once again, my blog has f*cked itself.

Anyone want to build me a better blog? Or at least fix this piece of crap?

Dang it All

Dang it All:
"I think the problem is that I was born with testicles. I offer the theory, and I think science would hold it up, that the addition of these two wrinkly wads of crotch candy are singlehandedly responsible for the lack of conversational skills in the male half of the species"


Wednesday, May 26, 2004


Okay, I finally realized my link to my pic over on the sidebar was not working.

I fixed it.


I updated my blogroll. If you got deleted, it may have been by accident. (I got a little click-happy).

Let me know and I will reinstate you!

Okay, Jaded Angel, who is he? Posted by Hello

Willie & Weed

Amanda commented on my post below about a song Toby Keith sings about never smoking weed with Willie again.

It is such a cool song. And it is a true song. He and Willie went out after the CMA's last year and Willie got Toby blitzed.

Good for Willie! HeeHee!


I have nothing to say about Fantasia winning American Idol.

Hot Damn!!

"Beer For My Horses" video by Toby Keith & Willie Nelson just won video of the year!!!!!!!



I don't know if it's just me or what, but the picture on this page just gets me all excited every time I see it.

Wish List

Everyone seems to be putting up Wish Lists from E-Bay.

I only have one item on my Wish List: 4-day Ticket to We-Fest

Anyone want to help me out?

I Understand Completely

I would have taken him, too. Smart Bangladeshi Hooker!

(And yes, he knows I have a mad crush on him!)

Rare Buffalo Born

Rare white buffalo born in Arizona
A rare white buffalo has given birth to an even-rarer white
calf in Flagstaff, Ariz., a one-in-10-million occurrence.
"This is so rare specifically because she was born white,"
Keith Davis of the Spirit Mountain Ranch told the Arizona
Republic. "The others were born red (like normal buffaloes)
and turned white." Dena and Jim Riley, owners of the ranch,
said none of their 11 white buffaloes is albino. They are
the result of a genetic mutation causing the usual fur
color, black or brown, to be white. The birth of a white
bison holds special significance for many American Indian
tribes, who consider it a symbol of the world's rebirth
during troubled times. The ranchers are expecting
travellers from around the globe to visit their new

That is so cool!


This is a scary thought. I can't even imagine what life would be like in a nation like they want.

Very scary.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Fun In the Sun

I snagged this one from SuNfAiRy

1. Lemonade or Iced Tea?: Lemonade (I can't stand tea!)
2. Ice Cream or Fro-Yo?: Ice Cream (Took me a minute to figure out what Fro-Yo was)
3. Bikini or Tank Suit?: Tank because my fat would hang out all over otherwise
4. Tan or Burn?: Burn first, then tan.
5. Flip Flops or Sandals?: Sandals with covered toes.

Home Decorating

Well, I spent the day busting my butt. I totally rearranged the living room. That meant I had to take everything off the 6 ft x 7 ft entertainment center. Move said center, then replace everything I had taken off.

I threw out a lot of stuff. And reorganized a lot of stuff.

It's not the greatest, but it's better than the way it was.

Now I just have to finish cleaning. Bleh.

Minnesota News

'We have an emergency here!' she told him. 'We have a deer - a deer! - in our house!'

I have no comment.

Teenage Boys

This is what happens when you leave a teenage boy alone with a bunch of horny women.

Tuesday Already?

tuesday is chooseday

either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses.

    Would you rather:
  1. your best friend overhear you telling somebody else a deep secret about them OR your child overhear you venting your frustrations about your significant other?

  2. My child hears me vent often. But they also see me love him often. If a child doesn't learn that no one is perfect in a relationship, then they will never have a successful relationship. You just have to make sure you keep it balanced.
  3. learn an obscure language only spoken by 15 other people on the planet OR be able to guess somebody's exact birthdate, just by looking at them?

  4. I want to learn the new language. That would be so cool!!!
  5. have eyebrows that grow in VERY bushy, daily, no matter how you try to prune them OR make a sound like a tuba whenever you blow your nose?

  6. Sound like a tuba. Then I wouldn't have to carry one during marching band.
  7. have a job that makes $200,000 a year, but you only get to see your family once a week for 3 hours OR make just enough to survive from check-to-check, but be able to see your family whenever you want?

  8. Check-to-check - Oh wait! That is how I live now!

This was in my comments this morning:


I'm sure your interest in "Passions of the Christ" is old hat by now - but its actually based on the book "The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ" - a book written by a 19th century mystic.

I disagree your argument about being based on a book - analogous to Harry Potter - at least insofar as unless you experience something first hand - everything is based on some second hand cultural medium. Ultimately, Christianity is a question of faith - not of empiricism.

I do think the movie itself is a bit misguided. It’s an interesting commentary for me on the conservative movement in the church, and particularly in Catholicism. Not being a particularly astute scholar of the bible myself, I was nevertheless led to believe that the message of the New Testament was about love, hope and resurrection/new beginnings. The conservative obsession with the crucifixion, in that context seems rather irrelevant, or at least ancillary to the point. It’s about as relevant as doing a three-hour movie about the how Jesus learned to tie his shoes.



I do not have a way to contact Mike, so I thought I would reply here.

When I said the movie was based on a book, I meant it was based on a work of fiction. I do not believe in the Bible. I believe it has some great messages in it. I believe it is worth reading (for the most part).

Do I feel it is worth getting all worked up about? No.

I do believe a lot of what the Bible talks about is based on actual events. Just as most historical novels are. The Bible is no different than the myths and legends of the Greeks. They are just in a different format. Same lessons are found in both.

I think if you have faith, that is awesome! I think everyone needs faith in something. But to have someone push their faith on me will only piss me off.

Yes, I believe Jesus existed. I believe he was an intelligent, kind man.

I never did see Passions. Maybe I'll rent it when it comes out on dvd.

We'll see.

Anyone else have something to say on this?

Buying Bras

Yes, I used that nasty 'B' word.

I hate shopping for bras. I envy those women that can go to the local Wal-Mart and buy a bra off the rack. Paying under $35 for a bra is something I can only dream about it.

At the bar the other night, I ran into another woman with the same problem. (We're easy to spot when it is raining: our boobs are wet, but everything below the boobs is dry).

I told her that Fredrick's of Hollywood has some nice ones in larger sizes. But the nearest Fredricks's is in Roseville. About a 90 minute drive from here.

Other than that, there are no specialty shops in Minneapolis. I special order mine off the internet from a place in Phoenix. Or there is another great shop in Las Vegas. But you have to go to that one and try bras on. Because they always try and sell minimizer bras.

What's a minimizer bra? It is one that is supposed to make you look smaller than you really are. What it actually does is act like a corset and cut off your breathing.

I don't mind being large-chested, I just want to be comfortable and be able to breathe!

And while we are on the subject, I cannot believe the women that get really large breasts on purpose. I'm not talking about the ones that get 'C' cups. I mean the ones you see on Jerry Springer that get such huge tits they cannot tie their own shoes.

WTF? That makes no sense to me at all. Why would you want the back aches? Why would you want people to make fun of you? Why would you not want to be able to wear normal clothes?

Can anyone explain that to me?

Why Diva?

Someone asked me the other day why I use the word 'diva' in all my online life.

It took some thinking to remember why. I have used 'diva' for my online name since 1994 when I got my first e-mail account. I have had three e-mail names in that time. Each had Diva as part of it.

My main e-mail/online name has always been drcdiva. Now I have MinnesotaDiva for the blog. I have also been known to use Irish-Diva in the past.

I got 'diva' from the movie 'Too Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar'.

I absolutely love that movie. And they were definitely divas.

And their definition of diva is how I prefer to see myself: Strong, independent, and not gonna take shit off no one.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Another Meme from Nee

Snagged this one from The Mind of Nee
-- Name: D'Arcy
-- Birth date: March 29th
-- Birthplace: Albany, Oregon
-- Current Location: Southern Minnesota
-- Eye Color: Brown/Green
-- Hair Color: Red/Brown/Grey
-- Height: 5'3"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Aries

-- Your heritage: Welsh, Scottish, Irish, German
-- The shoes you wore today: Pink and white high tops
-- Your weakness: Food
-- Your fears: Losing a child; Spiders; Heights
-- Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni, Lots of Black Olives, Deep Dish, Extra Cheese
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Lose 80 Pounds

-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: LOL
-- Your first waking thoughts: 10 more minutes, Mom
-- Your best physical feature: My boobs
-- Your most missed memory: None

-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke - Always
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Wendy's
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Phat Farm
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Eeeewww!!!!!
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Espresso shots

-- Smoke: Never
-- Cuss: Like the sailor I am!
-- Sing: Unfortunately
-- Take a shower everyday: At least once a day
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes, definitely. At this very moment.
-- Want to go to college: I did. But didn't complete it. Hope to one day soon.
-- Liked high school: High school sucked. Royally.
-- Want to get married: Been there, done that. Only do it again if the Vikings win the Superbowl.
-- Believe in yourself: Usually. Depends on the circumstances.
-- Get motion sickness: Not usually
-- Think you're attractive: Nope
-- Think you're a health freak: HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes. My mother is one of my closest friends.
-- Like thunderstorms: Only when Asshole is home with me.
-- Play an instrument: Some piano, guitar, saxaphone.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: More than once
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: No
-- Made Out: Yep
-- Gone on a date: Nope
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Nope
-- Eaten sushi: No
-- Been on stage: Nope
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No, but I did buy a pair of ice skates
-- Made homemade cookies: Cookie dough, but no cookies
-- Gone skinny dipping: No. *pout*
-- Dyed your hair: Of course
-- Stolen Anything: Never

-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Do you read this blog?
-- Been caught "doing something": No...not that I can think of
-- Been called a tease: Hell yeah...and he loved it!
-- Gotten beaten up: No.
-- Shoplifted: No
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Not consciously

-- Age you hope to be married: Never
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 3 kids. Buttboy, Brat & Baseball Boy
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: One that never happens
-- How do you want to die: With my boots on
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Retired
-- What country would you most like to visit: Australia

-- Number of drugs taken illegally: Two
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 2
-- Number of CDs that I own: 25 or 30
-- Number of piercings: 2 in left ear, 3 in right ear, left eyebrow
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Once or twice
-- Number of scars on my body: Too many to count - I'm a klutz
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: No regrets

Another Meme

Not sure if I have done this one. But, what the hell, I'm bored. Why not?

Snagged this from my newest Blogroll member - Special K

First job: real job? Picking strawberries
First self purchased CD: CD? No clue? Album? Peter Frampton Winds of Change
First piercing/tattoo: Pierced my ears at age 13 and again at 20. First tattoo at age 19
First enemy: Brian Cole, high school. Asshat.

Last big car ride: Springfield, Missouri. About a month ago.
Last kiss: Kissed my little girl goodnight last night. Kissed my man yesterday before he left for Red Wing.
Last library book checked out: Been too long - don't remember
Last movie seen: Shrek 2
Last beverage drank: Coke from McDonald's last night.
Last food consumed: Filet O'Fish from McD's last night
Last phone call: My mom telling me they are leaving for Winslow this morning
Last CD played: AC/DC Back In Black
Last annoyance: Driving Buttboy to school. (Only 4 more days!!)
Last pop drank: Coke last night
Last ice cream eaten: Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ sometime last week
Last shirt worn: My favorite blue pullover

I AM: tired, pissy, cold and mighty sick of rain
I HAVE: to clean my house before Asshole comes home tonight
I WISH: someone would loan me enough money to buy this house
I HEAR: The television and the cat snoring
I SEARCH: for movies on cable
I REGRET: nothing. Too regret something you have done is to regret who you are now.
I LOVE: bad jokes
I ALWAYS: dream. (Lately about tornados.)

NUMBER: 44 (Hank Aaron's jersey number)
COLOR: emerald green
DAY: payday
MONTH: Usually May
SONG(S): Tubthumping
SEASON: Spring
DRINK: Varies. Limon Rum w/Sprite. Vanilla Rum w/Coke. Windsor w/Coke. Applebee's Mucho Mudslides

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Say what?!?!?

It's official... Jessica Simpson has snagged the role of Daisy Duke in the upcoming film remake of "The Dukes of Hazzard". No word yet on will play Luke and Bo, but Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker are rumored to be in consideration.

Ashton Kutcher as a Duke boy???? Puhleeze!!! That boy should not be allowed anywhere near the General Lee!


Shrek 2

We just got back from seeing Shrek 2.

I laughed all the way through it. If you liked Shrek, you will love Shrek 2.

I won't say much, because I don't want to spoil it for anyone.

Go see it! It is worth it!!!

Friendship Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch...

Mail Call - A Bunny Story

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Third Grade Geography

Try this third grade geography game.

I only had to do it twice to pass!

Mail Call

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust.

Mail Call - God & Pets

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps
too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

Mail Call - Which Service?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Mail Call

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Mail Call - The Kennebunkport Hillbillies

(Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His lQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.

DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.

Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.

Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.

Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.

Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.

Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

The Cracked Jar

The Cracked Water Jar

Once there was a water jar that had a long hairline crack in it. The jar leaked so badly that when it was filled to the brim with water and carried back to the house, by the time it got there half the water had leaked out.

Nevertheless, the servant of the house used it daily, along with another jar that didn't leak one bit. After several months of constant daily use, the cracked water jar was very
depressed at the fact that it had only been able to get half as much water to the house
as the other jar.

When the servant heard the jar moaning about this, he said: "You have nothing to be ashamed of! You did the best job that you could. And look - I always carried you on the right side walking back to the house, and the other jar on the left. See the path???
On the right there are beautiful flowers all along the path, but on the left nothing is growing - it has been too dry this summer."

So..... when we grow discouraged about not being "productive" - remember the cracked water jar, who was doing a job it didn't even know it was doing at all, that the whole water jar couldn't have done.


Mail Call - George Bush & The Devil

George Bush jumps from an airplane and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said ...........................................................

"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Mail Call - Cab Ride

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

When I arrived at 2:30 AM., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.

In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. "It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice."

I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.

She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said, "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.

Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the fare, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.


Mail Call - Wise Sayings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaking tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. A girlfriend is always better to have than a wife.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt....Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday..........around age 11.

Mail Call - Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Mail Call - Only In America

Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Mail Call - Hangovers

Hangover Rating Chart

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving steak and fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing the your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00am Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking like booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding in bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. You sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of five poops you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose-like discharge of alcohol scented fluid with a rare "floater" thrown in. The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right now...


Things that are somewhat difficult to say when drunk:
Indubitably Specificity
Innovative British constitution
Preliminary Passive-aggressive disorder
Proliferation Loquacious

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex."
"Nope, no more booze for me."
"Sorry, but you're not really my type."
"Good evening officer, isn't it a lovely evening tonight?"
"Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!"

What's It Like To Be A Pagan?

It is like being a pumpkin.
The Goddess picks you from the patch,
brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
Then She cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
She removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.,
and then She carves you a new smiling face
and puts Her Light inside of you to shine
for all the world to see.

This was passed on to me from another pumpkin.
Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin.

Mail Call

Dear Electric Customer:

Just a little note to let you know we understand you are upset with the recent price hike. But, it should be noted that while raising the rates was our decision, being upset is your choice.

We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you to. It's our decision and it's the law. This is not your choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad.

Sucks to be you.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and just keep those checks coming!

Your Local Power Company

Mail Call

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's
on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Geez Dave, you picked yourself up a real bitch
this time".

Mail Call

glamor magazine reports men are three times more likly to get headaches during sex.... Jay leno's answer MOVE AWAY FROM HEADBOARD....

Mail Call


They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail
on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go
through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice
the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take
the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway,
I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My
extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those
checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer,
oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some
water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses.
I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I
fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in
the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put
it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote
onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to
figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, and the coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the
checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious
condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER IF I SENT

A Thought On Religion

I received this from a friend. I just thought I would put it out there for future thought. I believe this wholeheartedly, he just says it a lot better.

I think that it is an insult to humanity to use terrorism to
force people to believe as you want them to rather than
giving way to personal choice of belief. But then this is
the deep insecurities that I personally see within such
religions such as Christianity.

By this I mean that as a H.P. I would never dream of
telling the Whispering Woods coven that either you do as
I say or else you will suffer for eternity in a horrible way
and Deity backs me up. And if you obey me you will live
forever in a place of sweetness and get to play a harp all
the day long.

I personally believe that a group such as a coven is equal
to the sum of its members. And that this includes the
many ideas, thoughts and talents that these fine people
bring to the coven.

I cannot fathom why anyone would give up their right to
individual choice as far as spiritual growth and blindly
follow the self righteous, holier than thou, individual
standing at the altar and telling you what you should
believe or else.

This is why I see religion as a tool to control the masses
and spirituality as a means of personal growth. I
personally choose spirituality as my way of life. As a
witch and practicing shaman I could not see myself being
led by the nose by another human in regards to this
growth. For I believe that each of us has an inherent
responsibility for our personal growth.