Mail Call - Hangovers

Hangover Rating Chart

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving steak and fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing the your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00am Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking like booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding in bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. You sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of five poops you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose-like discharge of alcohol scented fluid with a rare "floater" thrown in. The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right now...

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Things that are somewhat difficult to say when drunk:
Indubitably Specificity
Innovative British constitution
Preliminary Passive-aggressive disorder
Proliferation Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Cinnamon

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex."
"Nope, no more booze for me."
"Sorry, but you're not really my type."
"Good evening officer, isn't it a lovely evening tonight?"
"Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!"