Blah

Well, don't have much to say, just wanted to get that list off the top of my blog.

Cleaning house today. We-Fester arrives tomorrow. YEA!!!!!!

Books

Stolen fromBig Stupid Tommy: 8 or 9 Monkeys

Just copy the list, and put into bold the books you've read. This shouldn't take long:

Beowulf
Achebe, Chinua - Things Fall Apart
Agee, James - A Death in the Family
Austen, Jane - Pride and Prejudice
Baldwin, James - Go Tell It on the Mountain
Beckett, Samuel - Waiting for Godot
Bellow, Saul - The Adventures of Augie March
Bront, Charlotte - Jane Eyre
Bront, Emily - Wuthering Heights
Camus, Albert - The Stranger
Cather, Willa - Death Comes for the Archbishop
Chaucer, Geoffrey - The Canterbury Tales
Chekhov, Anton - The Cherry Orchard
Chopin, Kate - The Awakening
Conrad, Joseph - Heart of Darkness
Cooper, James Fenimore - The Last of the Mohicans
Crane, Stephen - The Red Badge of Courage
Dante - Inferno
de Cervantes, Miguel - Don Quixote
Defoe, Daniel - Robinson Crusoe
Dickens, Charles - A Tale of Two Cities
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor - Crime and Punishment
Douglass, Frederick - Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
Dreiser, Theodore - An American Tragedy
Dumas, Alexandre - The Three Musketeers
Eliot, George - The Mill on the Floss
Ellison, Ralph - Invisible Man
Emerson, Ralph Waldo - Selected Essays
Faulkner, William - As I Lay Dying
Faulkner, William - The Sound and the Fury
Fielding, Henry - Tom Jones
Fitzgerald, F. Scott - The Great Gatsby
Flaubert, Gustave - Madame Bovary
Ford, Ford Madox - The Good Soldier
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von - Faust
Golding, William - Lord of the Flies
Hardy, Thomas - Tess of the d'Urbervilles
Hawthorne, Nathaniel - The Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph - Catch 22
Hemingway, Ernest - A Farewell to Arms
Homer - The Iliad
Homer - The Odyssey
Hugo, Victor - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hurston, Zora Neale - Their Eyes Were Watching God
Huxley, Aldous - Brave New World
Ibsen, Henrik - A Doll's House
James, Henry - The Portrait of a Lady
James, Henry - The Turn of the Screw
Joyce, James - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Kafka, Franz - The Metamorphosis
Kingston, Maxine Hong - The Woman Warrior
Lee, Harper - To Kill a Mockingbird
Lewis, Sinclair - Babbitt
London, Jack - The Call of the Wild
Mann, Thomas - The Magic Mountain
Marquez, Gabriel García - One Hundred Years of Solitude
Melville, Herman - Bartleby the Scrivener
Melville, Herman - Moby Dick
Miller, Arthur - The Crucible
Morrison, Toni - Beloved
O'Connor, Flannery - A Good Man is Hard to Find
O'Neill, Eugene - Long Day's Journey into Night
Orwell, George - Animal Farm
Pasternak, Boris - Doctor Zhivago
Plath, Sylvia - The Bell Jar
Poe, Edgar Allan - Selected Tales
Proust, Marcel - Swann's Way
Pynchon, Thomas - The Crying of Lot 49
Remarque, Erich Maria - All Quiet on the Western Front
Rostand, Edmond - Cyrano de Bergerac
Roth, Henry - Call It Sleep
Salinger, J.D. - The Catcher in the Rye
Shakespeare, William - Hamlet
Shakespeare, William - Macbeth
Shakespeare, William - A Midsummer Night's Dream
Shakespeare, William - Romeo and Juliet
Shaw, George Bernard - Pygmalion
Shelley, Mary - Frankenstein
Silko, Leslie Marmon - Ceremony
Solzhenitsyn, Alexander - One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
Sophocles - Antigone
Sophocles - Oedipus Rex
Steinbeck, John - The Grapes of Wrath
Stevenson, Robert Louis - Treasure Island
Stowe, Harriet Beecher - Uncle Tom's Cabin
Swift, Jonathan - Gulliver's Travels
Thackeray, William - Vanity Fair
Thoreau, Henry David - Walden
Tolstoy, Leo - War and Peace
Turgenev, Ivan - Fathers and Sons
Twain, Mark - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Voltaire - Candide
Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. - Slaughterhouse-Five
Walker, Alice - The Color Purple
Wharton, Edith - The House of Mirth
Welty, Eudora - Collected Stories
Whitman, Walt - Leaves of Grass
Wilde, Oscar - The Picture of Dorian Gray
Williams, Tennessee - The Glass Menagerie
Woolf, Virginia - To the Lighthouse
Wright, Richard - Native Son

So what if I'm a day late...

Would you rather:


1. have the lifetime channel make a movie out of your life OR the playboy channel?

Playboy channel, defnitely. That would be more realistic!


2. lick a cat's nose OR give it a proctology exam without gloves? (thanks nicole)

Lick it's nose, I think.


3. find a bag containing $20,000 and turn it in before you find out it belonged to an known mob boss OR not turn it in, spend it all, and find out it belonged to an orphange?

Turn it in. I couldn't live with the guilt.


4. find out your parents kidnapped you when you were a baby and raised you as their own OR find out you had a twin that died at birth that they never told you about?

I have often thought I was kidnapped, so I would go with the twin.

Found via Buzzstuff

Wis. Girls Not Returning To Combat

"The soldiers said Tuesday they were swayed by Maj. Gen. Al Wilkening's request they remain stateside. He feared that if they went back, the increased attention on their units might put their fellow soldiers at risk.":

For this reason only, I accept their decision. I was worried that they were being given special consideration and they were going to get out of the military.

I am glad to hear they still want to be in, and have opted to take a non-combat position.

Human For Sale

I am worth exactly: $1,724,878.00.

How much are you worth?

Boy, 12, Charged in Girl's, 8, Death

This is sad and scary.

Mail Bag...

OKay, so this why I have been putting so much stuff from the mail bag on here: I have decided that instead of forwarding all this stuff, I am simply posting it here. Less clutter in th mailboxes of my friends!

Here is the most recent one:

SCRABBLE
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:
When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!

sugarmama

sugarmama answered my question about teenagers and sex pretty well. She said things a lot better than I could have.

Yes, I did find out my 17 year old son was having sex. We had gone away for a weekend leaving him and his little sister home alone. I told him there were to be no visitors while we were gone.

After we had been back a day or two, we had a visit from the girlfriend's parents. They said she had told them what had happened because she felt guilty.

Asshole was mad because Buttboy had sex. I was mad because he had someone in the house when he knew he wasn't supposed to.I had a baby at 17. So, of course I expected my kid to be having sex by that age.

Ever since my kids were little, I have talked openly about sex with them. They know how to get in touch with Planned Parenthood (which is what he had done in this case). I have been as open as I possibly could. I did not use cute names for their penises. I called them penises.

With my daughter, she refuses to call it anything other than her "privates". That's okay. She still knows what I am talking about.

I hope they always feel comfortable talking to me.

Bleh!

How come men cannot hit that toilet bowl when they take a piss?!?!?!?!

Admit it, most men only have 3-4 inches to play with when taking a piss. So how come they cannot hit a 15" diameter toilet bowl???

There is piss all over the toilet bowl rim. GROSS!!!

And I get to clean it up because he went to work.

Asshole!

More Mail Bag

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm ! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not ? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins

Another From The Mail Bag...

You don't have to own a cat or be owned by one to appreciate this...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon ."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

From The Mail Bag...

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Julie Mac

A few posts back, I received a comment from Julie Mac. Julie Mac is one of my oldest friends. There were four of us. Julie, Hope, Fred and me.

Julie, Hope and I were all the same age, and Fred was a year older. We were in the church youth group together and we did all sorts of stuff together. I even went to the prom with Fred.

Julie was the sports buff. That woman was always playing sports. Very athletic. I think Julie was my first female crush. That was before I knew it was okay to have a crush on a woman. She has done very well, I think. She is someone I will always be proud to call my friend.

Hope was the blonde. In every sense. She always reminded me of Goldie Hawn. She had a heart of gold. She was quite the airhead though. Sometimes we worried about her, but she always came out okay. I have no clue where she is now. I wish I did. She was a good friend.

Then there was Fred. Every high school dance I went to, I went with Fred. He was safe. And he always made us all feel important. Fred was a geek before it was cool. He had the pocket protectors and always had a calculator nearby. He even knew how to use a slide rule. He has moved on to bigger and better things. He went on to be an officer in the Navy. I think he is some kind of Engineer. I have talked to him a couple of times since high school. He is doing well.

Amazing to think where we have all been in the last 20 years. I am glad to have known all of these people. They helped make me who I am today.

I love you, Julie Mac. Thank you.

New Job

I want this job.

Dream Interpretations

Several people have been talking about dreams lately. Thought I would tell you about mine.

It starts in the ER of a local hospital. I am working there. Not sure what I am doing there since I am not a nurse. My own doctor is on call there. I am very surpirsed to see him. And there are babies everywhere. Laying in bassinets, on tables, being carried. Babies everywhere.

Then I am in my aunt's house and it is Christmas. I go into the other room and everyone has already opened their presents. I ask Brat who gave her the presents. She says she doesn't know. So we match up wrapping paper and realize her brother that lives in another state has given her the Easy Bake Oven. Then my aunt says she didn't get anything. I tell her she did. I look around and find it hidden behind some other wrapping paper. It is very heavy.

Then we are out on the street and there are hundreds of people. One man, about 50, is talking. He is tall, with grey hair. Suddenly, everyone sits down to listen to him tell the story of Christmas. I walk away. He yells at me to "Sit down!" I refuse and he gets mad.

Suddenly, I am in a house overlooking a lake. The lake is frozen, but the ice is breaking up. I am there with Erica (whom I have never met!). We talk about how the lakes up north are already clear of ice. We agree that after today, the ice will be all gone on our lake, too.

Some guy drives his pickup out on the ice in front of the house. I start banging on the window. I call the guy a dumbass and tell him to get off the ice. About that time, I see the pickup rock and then the ice moves like a wave and the house bobs up and down.

I scream at Erica to grab what she can, we need to get out of the house. I grab my computer and my purse. About that time, the house goes face first into the water and then bobs in the water like it is supposed to do that.

Meanwhile, Erica and I are running up the stairs and back into the hospital. Erica tells me she needs some clothes out of the house. So we go back into the house. She goes upstairs and I went downstairs. I remember thinking I cannot look at the window because this part of the house is under water and the window would show nothing but water.

Finally, we go back to the hospital. Then I think for some reason I need to go check on the house. So I go outside to check on the house. The house has turned into a white speedboat. It is covered in a white tarp. I tell Erica that I guess the guys have put all the rigging and stuff away and the boat is fine.

That is when I woke up.

Okay, people. What does all that mean???

Downloading Music

What is the difference between kids downloading music off the internet and taping songs off the radio like we used to do?

I can remember having tons of cassettes with music I had taped off the radio.

And no one complained about us doing that! So what is the difference?

His Purity Test Results!

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	50% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	65.1%
Shamelessness	78.6% Has yet to see self in mirror	79.4%
Sex Drive	50% A fool for love, but not always	77.8%
Straightness	12.5% Knows the other body type like a map	45%
Gayness	100%	83.6%
Fucking Sick	89.4% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 65.98% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

My Purity Test Results!

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	45% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65.1%
Shamelessness	52.4% It takes a couple of drinks	79.4%
Sex Drive	50% A fool for love, but not always	77.8%
Straightness	1.8% Knows the other body type like a map	45%
Gayness	30.4% At least one weekend of ecstacy	83.6%
Fucking Sick	63.7% Dipped into depravity	90%
You are 41.69% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

13 Going On 30

I took the Brat to see the movie today.

I really enjoyed it. The movie starts in the 80's with 80's music and then jumps into current day.

I loved this movie! It totally rocked!! Rick Springfield, Michale Jackson, Pat Benatar. If you remember Thriller, you will understand and laugh at a lot of this movie. The kids that don't remember the 80's will still enjoy this movie immensely.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but watching Jenna discover she has tits is absolutely hysterical!!

From This Morning's Mail Bag...

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.

They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.

Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.

And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan.

Shoes

You are Barefoot! You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girl You can't be restricted by shoes for very long And unsuprisingly, the same goes for men Your match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Link via Trailer Park Girl