Being Single

For the most part, I have come to terms with the fact that I will, in most probability, live the rest of my life alone.

I knew that to be the case when I made the decision to walk away from 13 years with Pat. While I love the man more than any other man I have ever met/known, it finally got to be too much for me. I couldn't handle the drinking, the temper and the unemployment any longer.

One of the things that kept me in that relationship for so long was knowing that I would be alone once he was gone. That and the guilt of not knowing who was going to take care of him.

The guilt disappeared on it's own once he moved in with his sister/brother. Now, I no longer worry about where he is, if he is eating, if he is sleeping, etc. It is no longer my concern.

The loneliness is much harder to deal with. Most days are easy: I am simply too busy to care. But then there are days like today. I went to breakfast by myself this morning. I sat alone at the table and listened to the people around me discussing local/world events and became lonelier and lonelier.

That is the part of Pat I miss. The simple companionship. I could talk about anything with Pat. He was much smarter than most people (including himself) ever gave him credit. He knew lots of current events and was willing to listen and learn when he didn't know or understand something.

No, I do not want Pat back in my life, but it would be nice to have someone. But the decision to be alone was mine. I accept that. I accept that it will be a very long time - if ever - that I meet someone new.

Yes, I have tried flirting with different men. I have tried dating sites. Mostly I am ignored. Or flat-out refused. So I have stopped frequenting those sites. And I have stopped hoping for flirting in return. I know I am not an attractive woman and that I don't have much to offer a man.

Sometimes it just hurts to admit it.