Mr. Cranky's review of the Bush/Kerry debate

Mr Cranky is a movie critic who is known for mercilessly ripping
EVERY movie to shreds (even undisputed classics like Casablanca, the
Godfather, Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, 2001...he hates everything.) But
every once in a while he decides to "review" something else...I found
this on his site earlier. www.mrcranky.com

The First Presidential Debate

I know we're all fed up with politics, but the first Kerry/Bush
presidential debate last week was simply too stunning, too shocking,
and at times too jaw-droppingly horrible to be ignored. If there were
a movie with this many miscues, I'd receive dozens of e-mails
demanding I attend and suffer through the entire thing.

I'm not going to follow the punditocracy and get bogged down in
who "won" vs. who "snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with one
of the worst debate performances in modern history." I don't do the
horse race thing. Rather, let's treat last Thursday's debate as a
learning experience, an opportunity to grow as we learn first-hand
what not to do when you're in a presidential debate being watched by
60 million likely voters.

In response to a question, do not stand mute, blinking dumbly into
the camera for a full 15 seconds.
Don't voice your opponent's point, e.g. "wrong war, wrong place,
wrong time," for him. If you do this, at least try not to do it 20
times.
If your opponent excoriates you for being a unilateral tyrant on the
world stage, and cites two examples such as an ill-advised war and
your withdrawal from a global warming treaty, do not "retort" by
bragging that you also refused to join the international criminal
court.
Even though you're being directly challenged by another person for
the first time in four years, try not to look acutely enraged. This
scares the soccer moms.
Do not literally confuse Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Even if
you catch yourself halfway, as in "Saddam Hussei - I mean Osama bin
Laden," many people - especially those actively engaged in combat -
will still find it deeply, deeply disturbing.
Do not bark, "Wait, let me finish," when no one seems to be
interrupting you. This will lead to widespread speculation that
you're talking back to a voice in your head called "God" or,
alternately, "Karl Rove."
Try not to lean too heavily on Poland as a notable ally in a foreign
war, just in case Poland responds by withdrawing from the alliance
the following week.
Only four weeks and three debates to go. Then we can talk about
something else for a while.