I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight so I thought I would jot down some of the thoughts running through my head.

• I miss Pat so much my chest actually hurts.
• I called him today thinking maybe we could sit down and talk. (Actually, all I really wanted was a hug). But he started yelling about how I had lied to him and he wanted to know the truth about why we split up. I said I told him the truth. He said I didn't. That it was my mom and that made me break up with him. Mind you, I am 39 years old...I didn't even do what my parents told me to do when I was 10! So that made me remember all the mean things he used to say. Now I remember why I told him to take a hike.
• But I miss him. I miss his love and his hugs and the way he made me feel safe in his arms.
• I also realized today that by kicking him to the curb I was signing my own solitary confinement order. I know that I will be alone now. If not forever, then at least for a very long time. I have way too much baggage and am way too old, fat and ugly to find another man.
• How old were you when you first fell in love? I thought I was in love at age 19 with my oldest son's father. I look back now and realize that I have had two true loves in my life and that was not one of them. The first was Meg's dad Bob. The second was/is Pat. I still love them both, but one is taken and the other is an alcoholic.
• There. I said it. Pat is an alcoholic. He chose the alcohol over me. Do you know how badly that hurts? I didn't actually force him to choose one or the other, but when it came time to pay bills or buy food, his alcohol came first. That's the same thing isn't it?
• School starts Sept 5 for both Meg and I. I told Target I was only going to be able to work weekends. They said I had to work during the week or I could not work there...so I am putting in my notice tomorrow. My classes start at 8:40 in the morning and some days I am not done until 5:20. No way can I get up at 3 in the morning, bust my ass until 8 and make it to class in a pleasant mood to learn anything!
• I have to find a new job
• Lucas needs to find a job
• I want a hug.
• I need to go to sleep, but all I seem able to do at this point is cry. Light a candle for me, people. It's gonna be a long night.