Something To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

How did the tugboat get AIDs?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and lawyer in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always just under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage --- along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.