My Past Is Coming Back to Haunt Me

19 years, 1 month and 3 days ago, I released my little girl for adoption.

I was 17 years old and a Junior in high school. I had no interest in being a parent, nor did I have the patience or funds to take care of a child. I decided the best decision would be to release her for adoption.

I lived in a foster home for about the last 3-4 months of the pregnancy. I can't say I enjoyed my time there. But I did enjoy being pregnant. I was still attending high school and even went to the last dance of the year dressed in a toga. I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

One morning, I woke up early just not feeling quite right. I went out and fed and watered the horses, then went inside and showered and shaved my legs. Why did I shave my legs? Who knows!

My foster-mom drove me to the hospital and L was born a few hours later. She was the most beautiful baby in the world. I spent 3 glorious days in the hospital with her. I could have been released from the hospital before that, but since I was releaseing her, they let me stay with her.

I held her and cuddled her and loved her as much as I possibly could. Then, the day came I had to let go. I dressed her in a cute pink outfit my mother had brought for her. I wrapped her in a blanket that my grandmother had made. I said goodbye and turned and walked away from her. I could barely see because of the tears.

I don't remember the ride home or much of the next few weeks. It broke my heart to leave her there, but I knew it was for the best. She was a beautiful baby. I also know they changed her name to R.

2 years later, I had my son A. 1 year after that, I had my son L. 6 years after that, I had my second daughter, M.

This afternoon, I came home from work and found a letter waiting for me. It seems L has contacted the agency trying to locate me. I have kept them updated as to where I am at all times. So it was very easy for them to find me.

Now, I have to decide if I am ready to meet her again. I am nervous, excited, scared, jubilant. And damn near tears.

My oldest daughter wants to meet me. Am I ready? I don't know.